(Want music? Listen to "I hate everything about you" on the playlist)
I've seen a lot of posts lately around the DOC (diabetes online community) about the negativity that many of us share online. Using terms like "I HATE Diabetes" too often. Being too dramatic. Not seeing the positive in it.
I personally have a long history of saying I HATE DIABETES. It was actually the title of one of my first and very personal blogs. In my own defense, anything and everything that I blog, post or share online that is in any way related to diabetes or illness, is my therapy. I vent my feelings and frustrations here so that my life can go on as normally and positively as possible at home. I share things in my blog that I would probably never even share with my "real life" friends. I like to keep the messy parts of my life neatly swept under the rug when I can...
I certainly do not tell my daughter that I hate diabetes. That would not be productive and might make her feel bad. I want her to see D as positively as possible. But I do, indeed, HATE that she has diabetes! D and I have a long history, and it's not been all rosy and "manageable".
I HATE it because it snuck into my home, unwelcomed and took a piece of my baby girls life.
I HATE it because it complicates everything single thing she does or dreams of doing in the future.
I HATE it because she has never had a birthday without having to inject insulin for a little tiny piece of birthday cake, or explain to people that, yes, she can have a piece of birthday cake!! (and NO diabetes is NOT caused by eating sugar!!)
I HATE that I have to focus more on numbers and carb ratios and basal rates than play dates and ballet class.
I HATE that I have to interrupt her ballet class, and every other activity, to treat a low or silence and alarm or give extra insulin just so she can continue being a kid.
I HATE it every time I look at her scarred up, bruise covered, pin cushion body.
I HATE that her life depends on a very delicate medicine that could be gone in days in a disaster.
I HATE that I have seen how sick she is after only a few hours without insulin, and that I know how fragile she really is.
I HATE that someday she will have to carry this burden herself.
Of course I see the value in being positive in our daily lives. We have no choice but to live with diabetes and we might as well do it with some swag and style. It's not going anywhere anytime soon. We have to make the best of it and carry on, especially in front of our kids. But after a long day of watching her deal with highs and lows, and needles and tears and knowing she was left out at school again, and saying no to ice cream after dinner, again and no, no, no, no... and rubbing cream all over her horribly damaged skin, and trying to adjust her pump closer to the baby monitor, and wondering if this will be a good night or bad night or maybe even a terrible night... I can not walk away and be grateful that diabetes is a part of her life. I'm not. I hate diabetes because I love my little girl so much.
We will always do the best we can to work around it, and are grateful for the positive things it has brought to our lives, but make no mistake, diabetes is my enemy. It is a monster, and if I could get my hands around it's neck it wouldn't stand a chance. Yes, it's true. I really HATE diabetes.
15 comments:
Its ok to hate! I dont believe in only speaking of the positives by blogging either, because the negative FAR out weigh the good...we have to have a place to get out the hates so we can move on in real life with a smile :) Thank goodness for the DOC who knows we vent to be heard and understood...then we carry on!
Totally agree with you. I hate that my son has to have his finger poked every time he wants to eat anything. It's ok to hate diabetes. I sure don't know anyone that loves it.
I hate it, too. Has it brought us good things? Yes. But I still hate it. Feel what you feel! I think that's ok!
Great post! Totally agree.
yeah i hate it too. i love my son dearly so i do all the things that D demands of me.
Absolutely agree!
I do agree too 110%! As a parent who loves her child I hate D with a passion!!
Well Said. . . .
Anyone who goes off on sappy love rant is LYING! Yeah, I have met nice friends, and done things I probably wouldn't have unless I was D, but seriously? I HATE IT TOO!
WHAT I LOVE? My super new pump pack! It's so AWESOME. Those little mushrooms are so cute!
Thanks for making my D easier with your cute packs!
Agreeeeed!!! Said PERFECTLY! ((hugs))
yep, for sure diabetes is not fun! i think it's ok to hate something that causes so much frustration and anger - but it's important to learn to become friends with it so that you can greater understand and manage it :)
I'm glad I'm not alone! I try not too be too negative, but seriously, the bad hugely outweighs the good.
Rachel, I'm so glad the pump pouch is working for you!! :) It was the first 1.5" band I'd done, so let me know if you have any trouble with it. I love those tiny mushrooms too!
Alissa, as they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. D and I aren't friends, but we are definitely close!
Amy, I so understand what you are saying. D snuck up on our blindside after 14 years of my dd's healthy life. Now I watch her struggle (at 18) with "normal" teen stuff, college, etc, and D. I have to say D takes its toll on her and I hate it! I dread the day that she has to take FULL responsibility. Don't get me wrong, she does well managing on her own most of the time, but there are those days when "it" doesnt play fair and she is miserable. I Hate those days. SO yes, I understand and agree!
I'm with you. Those who don't feel this way are underestimating the disease and in some form of denial, IMO. You do sometimes have to call a truce with the enemy you live with on a daily basis, but, like you, I would strangle it if only I could.
I completely agree. I hate it and I say it often, although not in front of my daughter. It's ok to hate something that had such a negative effect on our child's life. What's to like about it?
Great post. You read my mind!
HOLLA TO THE HATERS!
I totally get this. I know there are lots of people who would rather we just shut our traps and stop blogging about D altogether, but I love blogging. I love the connections I've made and I love how small this big scary world becomes when you have a family of bloggers to share the journey.
So, hate it -- conquer it -- BLOG IT!
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