(Want music? Listen to "I hate everything about you" on the playlist)
I've seen a lot of posts lately around the DOC (diabetes online community) about the negativity that many of us share online. Using terms like "I HATE Diabetes" too often. Being too dramatic. Not seeing the positive in it.
I personally have a long history of saying I HATE DIABETES. It was actually the title of one of my first and very personal blogs. In my own defense, anything and everything that I blog, post or share online that is in any way related to diabetes or illness, is my therapy. I vent my feelings and frustrations here so that my life can go on as normally and positively as possible at home. I share things in my blog that I would probably never even share with my "real life" friends. I like to keep the messy parts of my life neatly swept under the rug when I can...
I certainly do not tell my daughter that I hate diabetes. That would not be productive and might make her feel bad. I want her to see D as positively as possible. But I do, indeed, HATE that she has diabetes! D and I have a long history, and it's not been all rosy and "manageable".
I HATE it because it snuck into my home, unwelcomed and took a piece of my baby girls life.
I HATE it because it complicates everything single thing she does or dreams of doing in the future.
I HATE it because she has never had a birthday without having to inject insulin for a little tiny piece of birthday cake, or explain to people that, yes, she can have a piece of birthday cake!! (and NO diabetes is NOT caused by eating sugar!!)
I HATE that I have to focus more on numbers and carb ratios and basal rates than play dates and ballet class.
I HATE that I have to interrupt her ballet class, and every other activity, to treat a low or silence and alarm or give extra insulin just so she can continue being a kid.
I HATE it every time I look at her scarred up, bruise covered, pin cushion body.
I HATE that her life depends on a very delicate medicine that could be gone in days in a disaster.
I HATE that I have seen how sick she is after only a few hours without insulin, and that I know how fragile she really is.
I HATE that someday she will have to carry this burden herself.
Of course I see the value in being positive in our daily lives. We have no choice but to live with diabetes and we might as well do it with some swag and style. It's not going anywhere anytime soon. We have to make the best of it and carry on, especially in front of our kids. But after a long day of watching her deal with highs and lows, and needles and tears and knowing she was left out at school again, and saying no to ice cream after dinner, again and no, no, no, no... and rubbing cream all over her horribly damaged skin, and trying to adjust her pump closer to the baby monitor, and wondering if this will be a good night or bad night or maybe even a terrible night... I can not walk away and be grateful that diabetes is a part of her life. I'm not. I hate diabetes because I love my little girl so much.
We will always do the best we can to work around it, and are grateful for the positive things it has brought to our lives, but make no mistake, diabetes is my enemy. It is a monster, and if I could get my hands around it's neck it wouldn't stand a chance. Yes, it's true. I really HATE diabetes.